In my house I have an entire room devoted as an office, I have a kitchen table, a dining room table, a breakfast bar, and countless other spots to sit and work, but do you want to know where I find myself most of the time typing away? My master bathroom. It's soo super creepy of me to admit that. My husband would say it's because it has mirrors. He's so funny, and not totally wrong. I talk to myself a lot in those mirrors, a while back they became the vision boards to what I wanted for my future, and well, I'm not even going to down play that I like what I see when I look at the reflection. Not in a...oh aren't I great kind of way....but in a....that's where my hard work and determination lives...kind of way. I started to tape all my favorite quotes on the mirrors. Crazy post- it- notes cover the frame, they are scattered on the vanity, the haven't made it into the shower yet, but they will someday. They keep me centered, they inspire me, they even give my kids and I something to talk about it. Everybody reads them, I breathe them, they live inside me. The first quote I put up was this one. You'll never shine....throwing shade. How could something so simply stated scream at 1 billion decibels into my heart?? Well, it goes something like this. I am a shade thrower. Or I should say, I WAS a shade thrower. What's a shade thrower you ask? Its someone who leads with their FEARS, their INSECURITIES, their DOUBTS. What did I throw shade at? People. Guess what I've desired most in my life? Yep, a connection to people. It looked something like this. Me, the new girl{I've moved nearly every three years since I was 17}, in a room full of strangers, sweet and pretty BUT distant, anonymous, and protected. I am, or WAS, a vey hard person to get to know, my walls were built high, they kept me from getting hurt by what I wanted most, relationships. I mean if you don't let anyone in, then they certainly couldn't decide they didn't want to know you. I decided that first for them, for me, so they didn't have to see how desperately I wanted to be known, so I didn't fail at the friend game, so I could continue just being lonely which is exactly where I didn't want to be, but it was safe. Safe was better than failing. So fast forward through my whole entire life to now...operation STOP THROWING FREAKING SHADE started when we moved to OKC nearly two years ago and guess what happened, I found shine. Not because I stepped on a competition stage in a sparkly bikini but because I shared my story, I told people about my goals, I let them see the dreamer inside of me. That was where my shine lived and the more I connected with people the brighter it got. My goal was the stage, but the journey I walked with people was where I found my light.
So, that's a fine and dandy story isn't it? Lucky little Sarah found her shine. What the heck does it mean for you? I don't know, maybe nothing. Maybe you don't throw shade but most people I know do. They may not throw my kind of shade, but there's something their heart desires but their doubts and insecurities keep them from having it. When I started to tell people about f{re}sh it stirred some emotional stuff up, in my family, with my friends. Commitment to diet and fitness can get people's insecurities, fears, and disillusionments bubbling to the surface real fast. It is full of perceived failures, shoulder shrugs and throwing in the towel attitudes. A.k.a...Shade. It makes people feel defensive, sad, frustrated, angry even. I get it, everyone is just trying their best. Trying to be a good wife, a good mother, a good employee or boss and now it's all up in your face that you should be trying to do this to. Yeah, I guess it is, because if it evokes a reaction inside of you, chances are it churns around in your head already. When I hear a woman excited about the way she looks, no matter her size, weight, or fitness level my heart is all...woot woot!! She's free, good for her! When I hear a woman talk about how she doesn't want to try a new experience , or go shopping for jeans, or see certain friends, or take a vacation because she's not happy with her size, her health, her body, but she just doesn't have the time, or the energy, or the resources, my whole self wants to step in front and block her shade. The little voice inside her head telling her she's not good enough, the same little voice that talked in my ear for years telling me I didn't deserve connection with people, that little voice, I want to grab that voice and stomp it into a million pieces on the ground. It's time to move on from this shady place, it's time to stop hating on yourself, so that you have space in your head to do other things like DREAM. Shiny, fun, ridiculous dreams!
"It's impossible," said pride. "It's risky," said experience. "It's pointless'" said reason. "Give it a try'" whispered the HEART."