OH! Hey f{re}sh! I've missed you. Its been a while y'all since I have found myself here. I'd like to tell you that I have just been sooooo busy training and rocking my life, that I haven't had the time to keep up with blogging. This is sorely not the case. The truth is life has taken a sharp right turn, and everyday since has been a struggle to keep my head above the waves. I know right? Yuck! Who wants to hear that? Believe me, you don't want to hear it just as badly as I'd like not to tell it. Its not a story that will bless you, although wait. Maybe it is. Just maybe you need to hear about that smile on my face in the picture above, that was not there just seconds before, because life was heavy. Then there was laughter, and a picture was taken despite the pain in our hearts. Right after that someone started to argue about who's turn it was to hit a golf ball, and the inevitable happened.....life went on.
Todd and I have been separated for over 5 months, we are moving towards a divorce. We have three beautiful boys. We've been married for 15 years.
I love when people ask me why we're divorcing. Like really people?? Do you have six days to sit down so I can explain it. I only wish I could sum it up while we politely maneuver the aisles of Target. Have you ever been married? Oh, you have??? Well then it can't really be that hard to understand. I've always said I understood my parent's divorce the minute I got married. I never even remotely knew what kind of work marriage took until the day after I walked down the aisle. I was too young to get it, too naïve to care, too immature to take on such responsibility. I sit here and wonder how can I make light of the current sad situation. It is fortunately{or unfortunately} just who I am. Someone recently said I was either in amazing denial or incredibly strong. People! You know I answered.....Fucking A, I'm incredibly strong!
So my marriage. Why is it over? The simplified version goes like this.....resentments, didn't work on our shit, resentments, didn't work on our shit, resentments, didn't work on your shit, finally worked on MY, HIS, OUR shit, it's all a little bit too late, ask yourself if your happy, brace yourself for the answer, infidelities, forgiveness, reality, divorce.
Absolutely nothing about that was fun to write. Sometimes it stinks to be honest. And I've left out a whole bunch of stuff about pain and hurting others. I could talk on and on about disappointment and fear. That's all gonna have to wait for another day. So why even tell you as much as I did? Well, now it is a part of my story, because I actually want to share it with you, just in case you need to hear it, maybe so you know you're not alone, possibly so you don't make the same mistakes I have. I mean, you will make your own mistakes, and marriage is the perfect platform to f**k a lot of stuff up, but just remember this...
Your mistakes do not define you, but how you choose to pick yourself up and deal with them does.
Maybe you needed to hear that. Judgment is a risk I'm willing to take.
I wake up some days and think....Huh?....this is not really the way I thought life was gonna go. Yet, I'm curious as to just how this new life will play out. I've written several times about my journey the past two years. How I found my shine, how I clawed my way past my insecurities and made changes to grow into the {self proclaimed!} badass I currently am{LOL}. I thank God every day for starting that journey for me before the real shit hit the fan. HE is the ONLY reason I am able to smile, have joy, and find the meaning behind the hurts, and then keep on keeping on. Todd asked me if this was the worst thing I had ever been through. He knew the answer before he asked. No. This is not the worst thing I've ever been through. The very worst things I have ever been through were battles I fought without Jesus. They were impossible. Real change, real victory, in my experience has only been possible when I asked God to fight along with me.
So, after I wake up and ask myself if this is truly is my life.....I rise up and tackle the mother*cking sh*t out of it. Want to know how I do it?? Like I've done it for the past 2.5 years. With INTENTION! I workout, lift heavy, set goals, eat well, get good sleeps, take care of myself. I continue to knock on doors until one opens. I ask for help. I talk to my friends and let them hear my truths. I love my kids and sometimes they are just plain mad and hurt by the situation, so I love them harder. I laugh, I dream{more than ever}, I let people inspire me. I get down on my knees and start every conversation with God by saying THANK YOU for making me exactly how He did. Flawed, broken, determined, passionate, vulnerable, and BRAVE.
This is indeed my life. I only get one, so you can bet that when the dust settles I will be stronger than I ever was before. Wow, I'm pretty excited to see what that looks like. So, this is a fitness and lifestyle blog and guess what?? So much fitness is happening, and my lifestyle is changing and opportunities are what I make them . Stick around, I promise not to be gone another 5 months, and there's one thing I know for sure...
I don't know where I'm going from here but I promise it won't be boring.
As you read this I want you to know that I have prayed for your marriage and relationships. I want you to tackle them, make them good, and go do the work. Is it time for you to take care of your shit? Go be a wifey badass before it's too late!! As for me, with God's grace and mercy, I'll be doing it better the next time around.
My heart and soul{yes, there is one missing. He was too mad at me that day to smile. I'm making sure to love him extra extra hard}